Funny things that happened today:

1) I saw this girl that used to really hate on me in high school today, and she looked SO BAD. I'm sorry, I'm usually not the malicious girl (well I try not to be...) but she looked a hot mess.

2.) Then I saw this boy I had a HUGE crush on in high school, but he completely blew me off then...well damn homie why were you trying to get up close and personal today, but you looked a HOT MESS TOO! It was hilarious.

3.) My parents are going to buy a new SUV. So we're at the GMC dealership today, looking at this Denali, and my mom really says to the salesman "I really like it in the black, but we need the front part to be...what's that thing, Michael? Oh yeah, iced out. I'd like it if it was iced out."

WHAT?!!

 So my brother is just dumbfounded at this, meanwhile my dad says "No Bea...it's not iced out. Ice is like diamonds. You mean 'chromed out.' we want the chrome grill." Okay now I'm crying at this point because my parents are really insane, and my dad says "What.. I watch MTV too, I know about that pimp my ride stuff, I think it would be great if our new ride was a little pimped..." And my mom was like "yes, but in a classy sort of way. Not too much pimp." And the salesman (who was probably late 20s or so) is laughing his ass off, and he's like 'okay chrome grill, no problem' and my dad's like "Yes yes...not too much pimp in the pimp juice."

WHAT?? Never ask where my insanity comes from. My parents are off the wall.

It's been a minute...I've been writing in my real journals and boucing ideas off friends a lot more since my computer was out of commission. Anyway...what's been going on...it's spring break, and instead of being annoyed at my lack of money management that resulted in me sitting my ass at home, I've decided to take this time to really *break* and think about what's been going on in my life. I'm so glad that I did, man...because SO MUCH has been going on and I never take the time to parse out the good from the not-so-good, extract the lessons from the mistakes, complete an emotional inventory.

My life is AMAZING rigt now.  I have extremely witty, insightful, interesting people in my life! I've run across a lot of wonderful people within the last few months, I've challenged myself by stepping outside my social comfort zone, and I've been rewarded tenfold. I started up a small business a couple months ago,  and I'm making a nice little profit. I'm setting myself up to start another little venture in the fashion industry with one of my girls that graduated last year. Teach for America did wonderfully for second deadline at Wellesley too!

I'm starting to listen to my body. I'm drinking more water and less cranberry and vodka. The drinking got out of control for a minute. I can handle my liquor, but the liquor was definitely handling me for a couple weeks...I was acting without thinking, making ridiculous amounts of drunk dials, and essentially letting the alcohol cover up a lot of issues. I'm dealing with those head on now, though :)

2) Good things notwithstanding, there have definitely been some rough times this semester. My grandmother got really sick with some unknown afflliction that caused her to have seizures and pass out at random. She's probably going back to Liberia soon, after being in my life almost every day for 21 years. One of my friends got in a horrible car accident. I lost this great internship that I had, missed out on a really lucrative business venture, messed up a really great friendship (repairing it now), got bitchier and more narcissistic than should be tolerated...but somehow people tolerated it. And I love them all the more for that.

3) I think the most important thing I've learned...is that I am leaning to LET GO of people and things that are detrimental to my life. It's hard because I'm a fixer. Men say women like o fix things. I guess it's true. I love to nurture people, I love helping people grow, and I tend to view a person more for their "potential" and less for their reality. Those things can be okay if you are in a mutually satisfying and supportive friendship or romantic relationship.

To be really honest, I am so vulnerable when it comes to romantic interactions with people. I give a lot of myself, my energy, and usually get crap back in return. As of late I've been compromising so much of myself for some men who really couldn't give a damn about the person I really am. Which is fine, not everyone can. HOVEVER lately...I've been making myself so blind to that fact. When a guy would show me that he's not really emotionally involved, that he's not really into me, that he doesn't really value me as anything more than a potential hookup...I WOULDN''T BELIEVE HIM. If a guy would LITERALLY say 'I honestly don't care about what you're saying'....I WOULDN'T BELIEVE HIM.

 I was talking online with Xzavier the other day and he was like "You need to take a step back and really look at this picture. You are gorgeous, entertaining, focused, and you have a big heart. But what kills people is that you are brilliant and very mature, and you are a hateration target especially for men. A lot of us like to think we want a smart girl, but it's difficult to chill with a female who's about her shit. We think she's trying to hard to 'prove' that she can be like a man. Especially if she's doing more than we are. So just understand that and realize that if you don't want to dumb yourself down, you're going to have to step it up and LET GO of those types of dudes because they aren't ready." Okay Dr. Phil...lol but he made some interesting points.

I needed to stop chilling with guys who weren't doing much with themselves. Guys who were too cushioned, waiting for life to just "happen" to them. Guys who showed me no passion, weren't challenging me (in the good way), and weren't really interested in me for more than just another form of entertainment in their empty lives. I was just thinking...I was talking to this guy on and off for a few months, and out of all that time, nothing had changed with him. Still doing the same old thing, still discontent, dispassionate yet not really moving anywhere...and definitely not into me! So I'm purging myself. And pursuing myself, my goals and my happiness. It feels good. I feel really good...confident, collected, and in charge

I am so incredibly tired right now, but I am feeling extremely fulfilled at this moment and I just wanted to document it before I pass out  Sista Souljah came to campus on Tuesday and her talk was so inspiring...she had me crying at multiple points. It was like she reached into my heart and mind, grabbed the thoughts and feelings that were aimlessly swimming around, and transformed them into coherent ideas. I felt so refreshed after that. And even today...It's been a 20 hour day, and tomorrow I'll probably be putting in 18, but I really can't help but be grateful for all the brilliant, hilarious, beautiful women that surround me every day. I'm always learning something new, always laughing hysterically, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming...but I've been feeling very complete lately. I feel very...passionate... very involved in the external world and the individual worlds of those I care about. But most importantly, I feel so connected to my internal surroundings.

 It's been a while since I sat down and said thought about how exciting my life is right now, how many things I have to look forward to in the immediate and long-term future, and how fascinating of an individual I happen to be. My mother always tells me that if you don't sit down every so often and take a 'personal inventory', you'll forget about the traits you have that make you unique and captivating.  And then when you forget about those traits you possess, it becomes so easy to allow OTHER people to define you.

It seems like, for a hot minute, I've let people who are extremely DISPASSIONATE affect me in really unproductive ways. I've been encountering a lot of dispassionate people that have just been like weights on my soul. Because they haven't yet defined themselves and the driving force in their lives, because they're kind of floating around in life, they like to attempt to define others by perceived flaws. The like to play the blame game. They try and hover above others who pose a threat to their internal status quo by claiming rights to certain predetermined 'superior traits', like class, race, masculinity, intelligence quotient.

Another kind of dispassionate person that I've run into lately is the emotionally sheltered individual. The person that has basically been cushioned, their entire life, by any type of serious financial, societal emotional strife. Challenges, or at least the emotional connection to challenges, build character, toughen your skin, and widen your world paradigm; without them, I believe it's very difficult to develop true drive and true passion. What would make you feel a sense of urgency in becoming financially independent if you have never had to worry about money issues? What would make you truly passionate about uplifting disadvantaged individuals and communities if you've never emotionally connected with that kind of experience? How can you lend yourself emotionally to another individual in a romantic relationship when you can't even connect with your own emotions?

That is why I get so completely confused when people say that it's more desirable to live a life as void of emotionality as possible. Living without emotion, without lending those emotions to all of your life experiences, is living a life without true passion, without an integral focus, and without the exhilaration that comes from experiencing life to the greatest capacity possible.

Yeah so I did say I'm running on 4 hours of sleep, in the past 48 hours right?  <-- That's how I look right now. Nite!

I hope everyone's Valentine's Day was wonderful! Even though it's completely commericalized, I take Valentines Day as a reminder of what really matters in life. It's so easy to get caught up in the classes, the grades, the interviews, deadlines etc. and lose sight of what really should be one of the pillars of our existence...the relationships we form with others. Last week was really tough...I was stressed over the LSAT, the likelihood of my grandmother going back to Liberia after 21 years of her in my life, trying to secure an internship, etc. and my emotions were on Six Flags roller coaster status. At least 80% of the people I was crazy to understood what's up, and the rest, well, whatever. Last week, I came to the realization that many times people don't understand me. People are always telling me that they don't understand me, that I'm "hard to figure out," and the like. But there are definitely people in my life that get where I'm coming from, because they take the time to really, truly get to know me. I get so upset when people won't acknowledge all of me, when people try to belittle or ignore my feelings because they don't understand them. If you don't accept and respect all of me, then there's no way we can take our relationship to the next level.

Oh and about emotions. I had about five arguments with people last week solely because I was really high-strung and neurotic. It happens. But its interesting that all of those arguments were with men. To be really candid, one of my biggest fears right now is men. For my entire academic life, I have always been contending with guys. From back in 4th grade, this kid Mike and I were constantly vying for the top spot in the class, and we had this little rivalry going on for years. Mike would always try to cut me down based solely on "feminine traits" that he viewed as being my weakness. Like if I got upset, or said something irrational, he would chalk it up to being 'a stupid girl' who was too caught up in sentiments. I was really afraid that one day I'd start believing him and just give up trying to be the best.

 Even in personal relationships...I'm so afraid of men trying to take advantage of me. There are so many things in this lifetime I need to accomplish, but I'm afraid that I will fall for the bad guy that will exploit my emotions and ultimately hinder me from reaching the level of professional success that I want and deserve. I've only been with one man who I felt really respected me on all levels and was completely supportive of me. The rest of them are all threatened and express it in different ways.

Because I've been through a lot, and overcome so many obstacles to be where I am today, and because I want so much more for myself...I demand a lot from other people. It hurts when you see so much potential in a person, and you can somewhat visualize a future with that person, but they keep dissapointing you.  But I (maybe foolishly) keep holding on to the possibility, the potential. I give people so many chances, when really I need to realize that relationships are not like group projects in Econ where Michelle does all the work and everyone rides along. I am learning that there is only so much I can do in a relationship. I can't make someone love me if they aren't ready. I can't make someone respect my opinions and my feelings if they choose not to. What I can do, however, is hold my ground and trust in the fact that, if someone really values me for the COMPLETE person I am, they'll be back, and they'll come correct and ready. Why is it always the simplest things that are the most difficult to understand?

I miss my photography so much....I just went through my portfolio from HIGH SCHOOL, and pulled out all my old black and whites and put them all over my room; it's an express train right back to the craziest time of my life  It's interesting how much passion I put into....everything...back then. Art, writing, relationships, etc. But then again, life was much more simple in many ways back then, didn't have to worry about finding something practical to do with my life.

Rant time:

I have been speaking to a lot of my female friends lately about our futures and what is in store for us in the more immediate future. Now all of my friends are extremely intelligent, attractive, generally sane and healthy people. Why are we spending so much energy talking about how we are never going to find a good man? Maybe it's the "Curse of the Educated Woman" as my mom says. Her theory revolves around the idea that the more intelligent a woman becomes, the less desirable she is to the majority of men out there. Because whether they want to admit it or not, men are generally most comfortable with a relationship power dynamic in which they are dominating. And it may be a lot more difficult to achieve that balance with a woman who knows as much as her husband does, or makes just as much (or more) money than her husband does, etc. I have gotten into serious arguments with my guy friends about this issue, but I definitely believe a good deal of what my mother has expressed on that subject.

And I've also noticed that many of the guys I run into talk about how they definitely want a smart woman, someone to be their equal, blahblahblah, but ultimately there are a lot of men out there that don't even know what to do with that "ideal" when they come across it. My friend was saying that many dudes don't even know how to handle anything besides hoes and girls that act stupid and overly emotional around their men. Is this true? I haven't had many experiences that would disprove that idea, but that doesn't really guarantee its truth. It is definitely true that I have met many guys that are initially attracted to me for one reason or another, but then when I start to speak about something that is really important to me, or when I start to argue, they get on that "Oh calm down, it's not that serious" tip. I HATE IT!! I feel like thats basically the indication that we should just shut up and look cute. I'm incredibly frustrated by this (can you tell?) and I am basically resigning myself to the idea that it may be damn near impossible for me and my peers to have both a strong career and a solid, balanced relationship. The end.